Some days are better than others - but mostly they just all run together

For it is not an enemy who reproaches me; then I could bear it.
Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me; then I could hide from him.
But it was you, a man my equal, my companion and my acquaintance.
We took sweet counsel together, and walked to the house of God in the throng.

When I first read those words, my heart broke in the way it will when a song or a poem or something written or spoken speaks to exactly where you stand; to what you know or have endured.

I understood these words. I had spoken them in the secret places of my heart; cried them in my dreams. I comprehended this lack of noncomprehension that said:

I could bear this coming from an enemy. I could defend against it. But it was you!
My own one-flesh; he of who I am bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh!
My companion, my lover, my best friend, my protector, my covering, the father of my children who has inhabited the deepest most intimate parts of my body and my soul!
We have shared everything. No part of me was forbidden to you; we swore fidelity and our lives to each other before God and renewed that commitment in baptism as we surrendered our fealty to the LORD Jesus! How could you be my betrayer?!

These are the emotions, these are the notions and ideas and words resounding in ones soul with divorce. They burst out so loudly with such a wailing that the spirit is threatened to be overwhelmed with isolation and loneliness and blank incomprehension.

You find yourself stumbling through day-to-day, lashing out, heartbroken; one day just merging into another. Smiling on the outside, acting, pretending. You are sure no one can understand because you don't understand.

What has happened? How can this be? Whose life is this? How can you bare it? Will it never end? Will you never awake from this nightmare?

Then I found those words at the beginning of this post in my Bible. Psalm 55:12-14.

And I realized; someone did understand. This wasn't new. It was only new to me. It was not more than my God could handle. It was not a new situation for Him. It was an old trick of the enemy's and God had seen it many times.

And I also had an epiphany as I thought about it. Did the Scripture not tell us that Jesus understood everything we have felt because He has known all the same experiences? Jesus had known this same pain. He understood exactly how I felt when I did ask:

How could it be you that have been my betrayer, the Judas at my table?
How could you have weighed silver and coin against me? And then found ME to have the lesser value?

Somehow that made it bearable when I recognized and was ready to face what a large part of such a betrayal is.

Shame.

It is a spiritual rape; a betrayal that is so horrible, so intimate, that you have to mistrust your own sense of judgement. You must be a fool. You must be worthless. You must be stupid. You must be pathetic. How could you have been so stupid? So wrong? Idiot! Surely you deserve this!

But that is a lie from the pit of hell. It is what the enemy wants you to believe. It is why he went after your loved one to make them the hand that bears the knife that is driven through your back and into your heart. Why he convinces you to buckle under your shame, to seek vengence, to desire retribution, to feed the need to strike back.

The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy; and it's not complete for him unless you both end up his dupes; the instruments of all the pain and destruction to each other where God grew love and loyalty and protection; the instruments that destroy everything you have built together.

But he cannot defeat the LORD. He cannot subvert the purpose of the LORD. He's a liar. He's a loser.

Isaiah 54 says: Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, like a youthful wife when you were refused,” says your God. For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment;but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,”says the Lord, your Redeemer.

So who do I believe? The betrayal and the loss and the shame that is the fruit of the enemy? Or the LORD?

There's no contest. I keep my eyes on the LORD.

In Isaiah 61 He says: Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, and instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs. For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery for burnt offering; I will direct their work in truth, and will make with them an everlasting covenant.

There's my confirmation.

God knows me and He knows my circumstances. He understands the depth of my confusion, pain, and shame out of this betrayal. He understands it because He has felt it. He has felt it Himself and He feels it with me. And He will not allow it to stand. He will erase it and double the honor upon me because I have endured it. 

I am not going to count myself apprehended. I will forget those things that are behind me and reach forward to those things that are ahead. My end is not destruction. My glory is not this shame.

I will obey the Word and keep my mind on those things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy. I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus.

So I am going to press on, expecting the LORD to keep His Word. So what if one day runs into the other? Like a tree planted by the rivers of water, I'll bear my fruit in its season.

You can do it, too.